Self-Inflicting.

I am beginning to realize that I am not the nice person I wish to be to those I care. And it is only to those that I care that I am not the nice person I wish to be.

Let me elaborate..

Usually, I'm an amiable person who is willing to listen to what others' have to say, and to help them. I truly care about those around me, and wish the very best of them.

However, when people are close to me, I start showing my inner sentiments unfiltered. Frustration, angst, sadness. All those feelings are shown, and I display them in a sarcastic or sardonic manner. And when they respond with disapproval at my state of mind, I send stinging remarks.

Perhaps deep within me, the dark sentiments live. Perhaps I really mean what I spill to some degree. But I know for sure that I regret it afterward. I regret it dearly and wish I can take back what I have shown. It is against my nature to be so caustic.

It may because I find the ones I care about too close to me that I feel at east to open up. It may just that others are surprised to find much shadow in my heart. Perhaps it is that I suppress my sentiments too much that I wish to share them with others, and when I do, I display them in a too immature way.

It could be that I have certain image of how I want people to be in mind, and that when I care about others, I wish them to mold into those images. When I find evidence to the contrary, I become caustic.

I realize my fault at this. You may be right, the real person of myself can be what I show unfiltered. However, please at least let me state this.
 
What I say isn't what I mean; what I show isn't what I am. I regret it dearly after all is over, as I do now.