I am convinced that there is nothing harder in life than human relationships. Frustration that comes from life, work, personal finance, etc. are dwarfed in comparison.
Now that all has passed, I can write.
I have loved a girl, and she loved me fairly in return. Sadly the sentiments did not continue despite my trying very hard to remain adamant. She was too far, I was too naive. She went too early, I came too late. I made false promises I could not keep.
While I lasted, I waited for responses. I heard news that were not easy for me to bear occasionally, but I tried to remain unchanged. As I waited and tried, my inner feelings became scorched and only ashes were left in me. I became frustrated, angry, and above all, saddened.
It was hard for me to see myself turn negative and say things I did not mean to say. It was not healthy for me or for her. I walked away in a very cowardly attempt to save what is left of me.
I did not know what I expected. My psyche was broken and it became more so by each passing day. I could not hold onto the relationship I had.
Then I found a new interest. I wanted to try having a new relationship forged -- because in trying, it helped me come back to my original self. I felt part of the ash getting lifted. It could have been that I was making a weak attempt to cover what I had left from past. Anyhow, I was compelled.
I started showing some of my colors and my personality. The process has been a great joy to me. I felt I had much to show, and wished to show what I had. I enjoyed showing bits and pieces of myself, asking the audience to put them together like a jigsaw puzzle. I wanted the pieces to eventually form a picture of who I am, and wanted to get some attention.
Turns out I was too naive. Turns out my foresight has failed me. My audience is not interested in who I am. I'm not saddened, just a bit melancholy and regretful.
I wish I hadn't shown bits of myself. I can't take them back and that fact is making me regret.
If I were to come back to where I began, I would like to deny what passed on alltogether.
I guess this is all part of living, I need to learn to move on.