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스타인카푸스

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'Life'에 해당되는 글 49

  1. 2008.12.05 새소식. 계기. 1
  2. 2008.11.29 23.
  3. 2008.11.24 꿈.
  4. 2008.11.19 겨울.
  5. 2008.11.12 Dump of Thoughts, #2
  6. 2008.11.11 Dump of Thoughts. 2
  7. 2008.11.05 On Relationships.
  8. 2008.10.29 On Maturity.
  9. 2008.10.21 무제.
  10. 2008.10.14 Foliage. 2

새소식. 계기.

2008. 12. 5. 12:03 | Posted by 스타인카푸스
1. 누나가 서울대 법대에 합격했다. 만나면 늘 다투기만 하는 누나지만 소식에 너무나 자랑스럽고 마음이 벅찬 것을 보면, 이런 것이 남매인 것이라는 생각이든다.

누나, 진심으로 축하합니다. 아버지의 소원을 풀어주어서 고맙고, 권태에 빠져사는 내게 새로운 계기를 주는 누나가 고마워요.

나에게 당신은 우상입니다. 헌법재판소에서 일하고 내가 아는 누구보다 영어에 뛰어난 당신은 나의 자랑입니다.


2. 그러고보면 누나가 항상 나의 눈을 뜨게 해준 것 같다. 7학년때 '빨강머리 앤' 영어 원서를 읽는 것을 보고 be 동사가 뭔지도 모르던 나에게 영어 원서를 읽을 수 있게 경쟁심에 불을 붙여준 것이 누나였다(그랬기에 내 영어 실력이 늘 수 있었다).

민사고에 붙어서(하지만 난 떨어졌기에), 하루하루 아무 생각없이 보내던 내게 더 큰 세상을 바라고 과감히 유학생활을 시작할 수 있는 힘을 준 것이 누나다.

그랬기에 지금의 내가 있는것이리라.


3. 이제 우리집에서 내가 가장 보잘 것 없는 학력을 가진 사람이 되었다. 대학을 네브라스카에서 나오기로 정한때부터 생각해온 학력 세탁--한층 더 중요한 일이 되었다.

여담이지만 늘 "누나보다 더 공부잘하겠다"고 큰소리쳐왔으니... 자존심의 문제가 아니다. 그것은 가장 보잘 것 없는 이유리라. 나를 위해서 좀 더 높은 곳을 바라봐야한다.

누나안에 있듯, 나안에도 잠들어 있는 아버지의 이성과 어머니의 감성. 부모님은 내게 두분의 모든 장점을 물려주었다. 내가 무얼 못한다면 그것은 내게 부족함이 있어서 그런 것이지 두분의 잘못이 아니다.

부모님께 부끄럼이 없도록 나도 노력해야한다. 권태에 빠져있을 시간이 없다.


4. GRE를 준비해야겠다. 내년 5월을 목표로. 최고만을 목표로하고, 나에게 부끄럼없도록 노력을 쏟아붇고, 결과에 만족하자.

몇번의 실패가 있겠지만 연연해하지 말자. 더 강해지는 기회로 삼자.

할 수 있다. 세상 무엇을 하지 못하랴.

23.

2008. 11. 29. 00:01 | Posted by 스타인카푸스
I am 23 as of today.
Nothing has changed, I am same me.

It is mildy amusing and saddening that the excitement of having a birthday is already gone for me. I suppose that's the way I am.

Last night, under the stars, I thanked my parents.

They brought me to this world, and I am grateful for that.
They brought me up and taught me to take care of myself.

I have been not much of a burden to my parents, I daresay.

I chose to go to UNL for their full ride scholarship which greatly reduced my parents pain, and I have little doubt that was the right decision to make.
Since I enrolled in college, I worked internships to cover for the personal expenses I incurred which were not covered in the scholarship.

However, I realize that I could never stand alone if it were not for my parents.
They really gave me much.

My parents are not the most loving parents.

My mother does not express her love because she sees too much worries before happiness.
My father is a stubborn man with often too hard-headed mind. He is too much of a man to express tenderness of love to his children.

However, I love them, I do.

They taught me that whatever defects they may have, I don't have to follow it.
They urged me to be someone better.

If I found my mother too worriesome with details of life, I was told to learn to get peace at heart.
If I found my father is too stubborn, I was told to be a gentle natured.

I am now 23.
Only now, I can understand my parents' love clearly.

Thank you, mom.
Thank you, dad.

Thank you for bringing me into this world.

꿈.

2008. 11. 24. 12:06 | Posted by 스타인카푸스

내가 아직 세상을 몰랐을 적.

세상의 모든 지식, 이치를 알고싶었고,
그럴 수 있으리라 생각했다.

하지만 지금은 세상이 얼마나 넓은지와 얼마나 많은 지식이 있는지 깨닫는다.

어린 나는 꿈을 꾸었구나.

모든 이치를 알고싶지만 그럴 수 없음을 매일 깨닫고,
그 앞에 한없이 작아짐을 느낀다.

지금의 나는 한없이 부족하며 이루어진 것들을 이해하는데도 한계를 느낀다.

나를 위한 삶을 사는데도 급급한데,
나는 꿈을 꾸었구나.

갈수록 나만 잘하면 된다고 생각하게되고,
그런 나로 만족하게 된다.

나의 열정은 어디로 갔을까.
다른 사람들을 도우며 살 수 있을거라 생각했던 그 마음은 어디로 갔을까.

갈수록 이기적이 되어가는 나를 보며 아픔을 느낀다.

겨울.

2008. 11. 19. 10:38 | Posted by 스타인카푸스
입김이 하얗게 보인다.

겨울나기 준비해야겠다.

Dump of Thoughts, #2

2008. 11. 12. 21:00 | Posted by 스타인카푸스
1. I spent Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights in Boston. I drove about 300 miles over the four days. I dined out every day with people from my church.

I enjoyed it. Nothing like good food and good people to lift your spirit. But... why does it leave me fatigued and feeling empty afterward?

2. I almost got my car towed last night. I parked, unknowingly (and silly like usual), behind a liquor store. It was very near a public parking lot just few yards away, so I thought it would be okay.

Lucky for me, a friend of mine saw my car (not too many cars are turquoise-green Honda Accord from New Hampshire) and gave me a call to warn me. I hurried back and moved it to a safe parking lot.

Moments like this, I am truly appreciative of my life, my being, my friends, and higher power. What are the chances that I'm in Boston, a friend of mine recognizes my car, and notifies me just in the nick of time?

I promised to buy him a grand meal as a sign of my appreciation.

3. This week is the last week to make selection for my 2009 health insurance and retirement savings plan. I'm still deciding on health insurance (perhaps if I remember, I will tell you all the intricacies of opting for a plan), but I have decided on my retirement savings.

I get... such an incongruous feeling that I'm talking about retirement savings. I'm only 22. Amusing how fast life seems to throw things at me. Anyhow, I want to save as much as I can from tax, and I can save up to 30% pre-tax. That is, 30% of my income doesn't get taxed until I take it out. he catch? I can't get the money out until I am 40 years older. It is looking at very very long term.

Well, I can't get half of it out. I can opt to take out 50% of what I put in, if I choose to. For example, I can put in 30% of my income, but take out 15% if need arises.

I figured, seeing as the stock market is at very low, and it is bound to go up, if I diverse my savings, I stand to gain quite a bit. It would be quite foolish to not look into it. By the time I turn 28, I plan to have saved $100k. Maybe I will retire early.

4. I bought a plane ticket home. I will be in Korea from January 22nd ~ February 1st. It's about time I use my mileage savings.

5. On the way back home from yesterday's trip to Boston, I heard Viva La Vida by Coldplay. I liked it much that I bought it off Amazon. Living the Life.

Dump of Thoughts.

2008. 11. 11. 03:01 | Posted by 스타인카푸스
1. There is a quote I like and I always found agreeable. It is,

"I am lonelier among people."

I really am. I find socializing agreeable, but I can't help but get the impression that I different with others in some fundamental way and that I am alone. It is like, I can see that I am different clearer among others than when I am by myself. Finding myself very worn out and fatigued after going to social events don't really help me feel otherwise.

I believe I first saw this quote from one of the two Word Smart books that prepares you for SAT (long time ago, and a bad source. I know.). But quotes I like those always find a way to be ingrained in my brain. I believe Word Smart said Ernest Hemingway said that.

Turns out, when I search Google for "Hemingway" and "Lonelier among people", I find absolutely nothing. I guess my memory is corrupted or that Word Smart isn't a reliable source for quotes -- either would not surprise me.

2. Somewhat tangent from above, but I find that I am too happy by self. I find my life too agreeable and enjoyable as it is. I like spending time watching movie by self with a good wine in my hand. Companionship is often too stressful for me and relaxing at home is often the preferred time to spend my vacation. 7 years of living like this, and this chain of thought, this chain of feelings are parts of me.

Nowadays, I find myself much more at ease talking to people through electrical mediums and find myself greatly 'boring' when I'm meeting someone in real life. I am much more enjoyable and colorful online. It is the by-product of my life style, I presume.

I can't imagine myself really "dating" anyone because I would soon find the relationship too constraining. I have to give up a lot of my style of life to accommodate for another person in the fabric of my life. I am afraid to do that.

I know at some point in my life, I need to move on. Change my mindset, and welcome the 'giving up' of my current life style. Perhaps it just isn't time yet that I find it more distracting than agreeable.

On Relationships.

2008. 11. 5. 14:13 | Posted by 스타인카푸스

I am convinced that there is nothing harder in life than human relationships. Frustration that comes from life, work, personal finance, etc. are dwarfed in comparison.

Now that all has passed, I can write.

I have loved a girl, and she loved me fairly in return. Sadly the sentiments did not continue despite my trying very hard to remain adamant. She was too far, I was too naive. She went too early, I came too late. I made false promises I could not keep.

While I lasted, I waited for responses. I heard news that were not easy for me to bear occasionally, but I tried to remain unchanged. As I waited and tried, my inner feelings became scorched and only ashes were left in me. I became frustrated, angry, and above all, saddened.

It was hard for me to see myself turn negative and say things I did not mean to say. It was not healthy for me or for her. I walked away in a very cowardly attempt to save what is left of me.

I did not know what I expected. My psyche was broken and it became more so by each passing day. I could not hold onto the relationship I had.

Then I found a new interest. I wanted to try having a new relationship forged -- because in trying, it helped me come back to my original self. I felt part of the ash getting lifted. It could have been that I was making a weak attempt to cover what I had left from past. Anyhow, I was compelled.

I started showing some of my colors and my personality. The process has been a great joy to me. I felt I had much to show, and wished to show what I had. I enjoyed showing bits and pieces of myself, asking the audience to put them together like a jigsaw puzzle. I wanted the pieces to eventually form a picture of who I am, and wanted to get some attention.

Turns out I was too naive. Turns out my foresight has failed me. My audience is not interested in who I am. I'm not saddened, just a bit melancholy and regretful.

I wish I hadn't shown bits of myself. I can't take them back and that fact is making me regret.
 
If I were to come back to where I began, I would like to deny what passed on alltogether.

I guess this is all part of living, I need to learn to move on.

On Maturity.

2008. 10. 29. 08:48 | Posted by 스타인카푸스

My studio is the very first place I truly owned. It is mine and shared with no one. Over the course of last three months since I moved in, I have learned to take care of my place.

  • Vacuuming
  • Cooking
  • Doing dishes
  • Taking out trash bags
  • Unclogging a clogged sink
  • Replacing burnt lightbulbs
  • Going shopping to buy needed furniture
  • Maintaining my car
  • Etc. You get my point.

It is odd how naturally they all come to me--I do enjoy some aspects of doing these chores. I feel a sense of belonging in the thought that I have a place of my own, and I need to take care of it. 

It is my place and no one elses. Taking care of it and fixing things does not feel like a sink of time, but rather, something productive.

I guess with time things like this comes naturally to males, kind of like when females are of age, babies start looking cute (I have not yet entered that stage, nor plan to).

Perhaps this is what becoming mature is?
I guess one of these days, I will start finding babies not so annoying.

무제.

2008. 10. 21. 16:06 | Posted by 스타인카푸스
오랜만에 한글로 글을 적고싶어졌다. 그냥 그러고싶다.
이제 영어로 표현하는게 더 편하지만, 가끔 한글로 글을 적고싶은 것에 약간의 안도감을 느낀다. 몇년이 지나면 지금 남아있는 국어실력마저도 서서히 사라져가겠지.

요즘 내 주변에 일이 많으면서도 없다.

매주 아침에 일어나 물고기 밥주고, 샤워하고 직장에 나갔다 돌아오면 저녁식사를 준비하고, 설겆이를 하고, 첼로를 연주하는 내 하루하루.

매주 주말을 바라보며 주중을 살고, 주말엔 예비자 교리를 열심히 나가며 성가대에서 노래를 부르기도 한다. 성당 사람들을 만나는게 내 삶의 작은 기쁨이며 행복이다. 내게 없는 마음의 평안함을 가진 사람들을 보면 나의 모난 점들이 녹아없어짐을 느낀다.

얕디 얕은 신앙이지만 그래도 나름 성경도 읽고있는데 이번주 토요일에 커다란 공대생의 자격증 시험이 있기에 약간 미루고 있다. 밤늦게까지 책을 잡고, 대학이후로 굳어져가는 머리에 낯익은, 그리고 낯선 공식들을 두드려넣는다.

몸이 피곤해지면 일찍 쉬고, 마음이 피곤해지면 밤하늘을 보러나갔다 오며, 영혼이 피곤해지면 첼로를 연습한다. 마음과 영혼의 피곤함은 점점 누적되가는 듯하다.

우선 지금은 이대로가 좋은 것 같다. 천천히 살며 월급으로 차할부를 갚으며 차근차근 저금해 나가야지. 이것저것에 관심을 가지며 취미를 기르고 가끔 즐거움을 찾아나서고 가끔 쉬면서.

서둘러 갈 필요없겠지. 그래야 내 주변을 감상할 수 있을테니까.

아름다운 삶을 살고싶다. 적어놓고 보니 어감이 상당히 거슬리지만 이 표현을 쓰고싶다. 무엇에도 얽메이지 않은 지금이 내 감성을 기르기엔 가장 좋은 시간이 아닐까.

식물을 하나 키워야겠다. 가능하면 작은, 아담한 식물로.

Foliage.

2008. 10. 14. 08:03 | Posted by 스타인카푸스
 Last Saturday, Patrick (my colleague and neighbor) and I went to western part of New Hampshire to see some autumn foliage. Supposedly, according to online sources, last week was the peak week for foliage and the hues fade very quickly so I was in a hurry.

I wished we could have ventured north to the White Mountains, known for its splendid views but two hours drive one way turned out to be a much more than we were up to, so we went west about 40 minutes.

Because the trip was completely unplanned, we just drove around taking pictures here and there. It was beautiful nevertheless and we did find a very tranquil spot among the woods where no one was around but us and the trees. I would like to share few pictures.

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Next year, I will make the full two day trip to the White Mountains and actually take a hike in the beautiful scenery.

On another note, my car's bumper suffered some damage and it would cost about $600 to replace it. Right now, I have liberally used duct tape to fix it, and the fix should last for a long time -- I'm not willing to dish out that much money. I feel sorry for my car, it deserves better. However, I'm short on cash and I'm just a single young guy. I don't have to drive in style. Maybe I will pay for the fix in the future.
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