Godspeed

It is only that when you are far removed from something that you start feeling nostalgic and realize how much that something meant to you. It is a stupidity that's programmed too deeply in our nature. Too often, this nature of ours makes us realize the meaning of precious things in our lives too late.

Such has been the case with me and my parents. I... recently started understanding how lucky I am to have my parents. I have been pretty much by myself since year 2001, and yet it is now that I realize this.

I am born given much more than I deserve. Without deformity, without worries of any nature, and with a gifted mind. To a parents undivorced and open-minded. To a parents who has always supported me in what I wished to do.

Mother and father. You are my inspiration, you are my motivation. Though far away, and though chastening more often than showing me love, I understand you now. You have given much for the sake of me and cared much for me. It must not have been easy to see your child take the world on at young age; yet you have decided to help me become who I am.

You have guided me to be what I am, guided me to this place, without forcing me in anyway.

I'm too afraid to tell you this directly. It goes too contrary to what I have been showing you, and I'm afraid. However, here's me and here's my voice, thanking you for what you have given me. It is the least I can do.

I wanted to thank you before I take on a chapter of my life. I love you, much more dearly than I can and will ever express.

The other day, I realized I'm quite different from others in many normal ways -- I would like to use the word "broken." I am broken in many levels that makes a person a person.

I don't like social gatherings that much. As Hemingway said, I feel lonelier among people. Parties are just noises to my ears and I would rather stay away from them for the most part.

I don't have healthy consumption behavior. Honestly, I don't know much about spending money for self. I struggle to find a shoes/shirts/pants when I go shopping (that is, if I go shopping -- and that happens once in a blue moon) because I simply don't remember what size I wear and am picky about how it looks like. I don't care much about the delicacies, I don't pay for luxuries like a modern cell phone or music player.

My humor is broken. While I can entertain people of older generations with ease (and I'm rather good at it), I find it difficult to start/communicate conversations with my generation and younger. It always leaves me with a feeling that  I missed something crucial.

I am broken in relationships. Honestly, I have not had a healthy relationship. Ever. I am at a loss when it comes to talking to ladies and even more at loss when it comes to finding small pleasures in small transactions. I simply don't know how to express myself. I feel lonesome too often, but entering any relationship feels too cumbersome. At times, I'm even scared to think of entering any relationships.

All the things I described, I feel it, but it's difficult to convey in words. I know there's something amiss in my character.

• Change water for Treble.
• Vacuum my apartment.
• Send off parcels.
• Do laundry.
• Practice cello.
• Go to cello shop and retune the cello.
• Whatever comes along my way.

But tonight, I am so melancholy I will just drink myself to sleep...

Here are some pictures of my humble abode. It's still missing a lamp, and a table, but it finally looks like a living (or livable) place.

Today, I introduced a new family member to my cozy house -- a male betta fish. Also known as "fighting fish," these fish are one of those rare pet fish that does not require air pump for breathing making them ideal for someone like me.

Male betta fish are very pretty with their fluttering fins. Here's (terrible) pictures of my companion. Sadly, though he is very beautiful with his perfectly blue scales under good lighting, he doesn't like posing.